STARS: They’re not like us . . .
Here’s something which I hope can be a regular feature, here on the BLOGZALO, wherein we will explore, not what it’s like to be a celebrity, but rather, the misadventures which occur when you forget that you are not a celebrity. If I was an A-lister, shit like this might not happen to me:
Yes, STARS: They’re not like us . . . We get stopped by the TSA. Now, let me begin with the disclaimer that I never whip out the “Do you know who I am?” speech, even in instances where I’m completely entitled. For instance, at the Los Angeles party for the premier of PR3, I was held back at the velvet rope until somebody from BRAVO PR showed up to confirm that I was ‘on the list’. I believe this happens for the same two reasons that I always get stopped by the TSA. The first one is,
Bouncers and doormen do not watch Project Runway.
This is the result of a time scheduling conflict. Essentially, if you make your living as ‘the guy at the door’ having any television habit is a distant, if not inaccessible, luxury. Think about it. You go to work, just about the time that “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “Desperate Housewives” starts, and you get home and go to bed right about the time that the early morning news shows start. You probably sleep through “Good Morning America” and get up in time to watch either a rerun of “Jerry Springer” or “Maury”. And if you’re not threatened by how ‘gay’ it is, maybe you’ll watch Oprah while you’re having your “morning” coffee. That’s it. That’s all the television you get. After you eat something, you probably run some errands, work yourself out at the gym, and/or work out one of your personal training clients at their gym, eat something again, and then start getting ready to repeat the whole cycle all over again. If you’re lucky, you squeeze in a date or two per week, and smoke a little pot to help you deal with the stress of the ubiquitous cavalcade of self-important “I’m-on-the-list-assholes” that walk up to the velvet rope every night.
Unless you are diligent with the TiVo, you’re totally SOL working the door as a bouncer. You missed David Fisher getting kidnapped by the crack fiend, as well as every incarnation of “The Bachelor”, and let’s face it, you didn’t even know that “Charmed” was on the WB, let alone, that it lasted five seasons after Shannon Dougherty was fired. Suffice it to say, tuning in to watch people whine about broken overlock machines on the “Queer Eye” network is really asking too much of these guys. Other than the music they are usually playing there, this is the main reason you will not see me inside “the hottest club in LA”.
“But that schedule does not apply to all of the TSA guys”, you might say. And yes, you are right, which brings me to reason #2:
The kind of person who wants to work in the TSA is the same kind of person that used to bully me in elementary school.
Take a look at this situation again:
I’m sorry, but even at my Rumsfeldiest, there is no way in hell that you will convince me this is an image of someone who is a threat to national security. When was the last time you ever saw a terrorist wearing a pink t-shirt, with hearts on it, and a pair of sky-blue plaid trousers? I mean, for heaven sake, what kind of threat to national security actually says “for heaven’s sake”? Don’t tell me this is proof of the “random nature” of the inspections, either, because I swear, I am stopped 9 out of the 10 times I fly. And don’t tell me it’s the mustache. This was part of an ill-fated plan to go as Freddie Mercury, that terrifying icon of Muslim Extremism, for Halloween. In a line-up it’s more likely that I’d end up being mistaken for this man:
than for this man:
I am convinced that because we live in a time of unwarranted fears, perpetuated by a reckless and greedy executive branch, that we have all become quite familiar with a pervading sense of individual powerlessness. And those who were the most powerless to begin with, like the old bullies from my grade school, feel even more powerless in this time period. The only thing they can do to combat this feeling, is what they’ve already been doing for centuries, which is to take it out on the girl-boys. And, on top of that, I think way too many of them work for the TSA. SHEESH.
I am completely serious when I say to people that I suspect the odds are more favorable that I will be injured in some instance of American anti-gay hate crime, than in some foreign anti-American terrorist incident. Let’s face it, there are a lot of people in the world that hate Americans, but there are way more people out there who hate the gays. And this brings me back to the picture.
If I ever do get injured in an anti-gay hate crime, it won’t be because I’ve been discovered taking advantage of the supreme court ruling in Lawrence vs. Texas. It will be because some day I’ll be skipping through the wrong American suburb, whistling, and wearing a pink t-shirt, with sky blue plaid trousers. I’ve said it before, “The only thing they like less than a woman in this country, is a man that acts more like a woman in this country”.
Phew. Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’m going to need some help getting through security. Can some of you guys tell me which of the following texts I should print on a t-shirt for my future encounters with the TSA?
Terrorists don’t shop at H&M
God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.
Metal detectors make me hard.
Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
PICK ME! PICK ME!
Tell me your favorite, or propose your own, and I’ll post photos of me wearing the one with the most votes the next time I go through LAX.
Thanks,
Andrae
Well that must suck and I’m glad I’m just a regular person. By the way I love your hair like that. Kepp it that way forever
love ashley
Haha I like the “PICK ME, PICK ME!” and the “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M.” Clever. although i’m not sure they’ll make you less likely to be searched
I like the metal detectors one. That’s less likely to get you interrogated than some of the others. and I’ve seen “pick me!” shirts before. Go with the metal detectors!
Whoa…..that’s a really good article. I didn’t recognize your face in the first picture but in the second I did….wow……
Pivk Me, Pick Me! You definitely are probably one of the most non-threatening guys I would have to say I have seen. It defintely is a bully mentality. Or maybe he was just jealous of you looking so fabulous.
Haha I like “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
That’s my vote.
Great post, btw. And your description of the life of a bouncer is eerily close to the life of a grad student. Just replace going to the gym with going to class… and cavalcade of self-important “I’m-on-the-list-assholes” with a cavalcade of “in-my-opinion-assholes”
I have to say that
Metal detectors make me hard
would probably deter the most people
…and it’s hilarious.
My choice: Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
I’m all for anything that uses the phrase “in a post-9/11 world”.
LMAO: THis is my fave: God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.
damn andre i fucking love you and this post
i vote for “God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.”
buuut i think “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M” is less naughty, depending on your naughty feel of the day i vote for either. both are chalk full of hilariousity.
i bet everyone inside the party was wondering..”what happened to andre”…ok bad, probably over used pun, but can you blame me?
Virginia’s right, that one is hilarious. But I’m gonna have to go with “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M”!
Oh, definitely the ‘terrorists don’t shop at H & M’ one. :]
I think he just wanted to feel you up with those blue gloves. He only wishes he can pull of pink.
Ha,this is too funny. I think my favorite is “Metal detectors make me hard.”
Ahahah.
“Metal detectors make me hard”
That’s my favorite.
I go for the “admit it, having your hands on my thighs…” T.
I love you, Andrae. This is one of the best blogs I’ve ever read.
Oh Andre–
That is just too hilarious!!
I like the Pick ME ! Pick ME!
I also like the Terrorists don’t shop at H&M! Another secret is that us Southern redneck girls don’t either. Most of us girls from the other LA don’t know what H&M is.
I just can’t believe they don’t know who you are .. but take it from me its better to be on the D list..Lets see if you miss a few workouts and eat too many Krispy Kremes - No one will read in the Star that you are getting fat.
You just have be a celebrity in your own mind.. for now!
Hope that you are having a good one and write more soon!!
Luv ya
Tana
God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.
Metal detectors make me hard.
Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
Any of those three are great.
“Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.”
MY VOTE IS 100 PERCENT for that one. I think it is absolutely fabulous and would clearly make any chauvinistic he-man security guard at the airport blush beyond belief.
ps- I dig the hair.
BIG BEEPING STICK!!!! I want that one!
definately, metal detectors.
Pick me! Pick me!
Or
Terrorists don’t shop at H&M
Either one is good.
…And if it’s any consulation, I get stopped at airports, museums, monuments, and pretty much any other security checkpoint. I swear, 16-year-old girls must look really dangerous or something becuase I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been stopped. (frisked, patted down, searched, etc…)
Hair! You have hair! And a mustache! is that your natural colour? Wow…I like it! *thumbs up*
how’d you get the pics of the patdown? i always assumed pulling out a camera anywhere near the security line was a good way to be tacked by secret service agents and never seen again.
great blog, andrae, really hilarious! sorry you get harrassed at airports so much, you deserve better.
oh, andrae, you’re just so cute! i am loving you in the pink tee and also your resemblance to ned flanders is hillarious! when will you get your own show on bravo???
you have the best smile ever!
I Like: “God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.” You Make Me Laugh.
I Loved This Blog, And The Hair!!!
You really do look extremely non-terorist-like.
I like
Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
For years I was never searched. Not even when I should have been. When dogs were sniffing around me. Not that I had ‘anything’ with me but still. They asked me what I had in my bag and let me keep walking. It was crazy.
Now I’m always searched. I don’t know what happened.
Wll I just love “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M” cause its so true… lol but I love PICK ME! PICK ME!!, it´s so obvious its funny, and BTW U ARE UNIQUE love the article…
You should make all the shirts, wear them one on top of the other, and peel them off, layer by layer, while they search you. Surprise after surprise!
And, your hair is adoooooorable.
“Terrorists don’t shop at H&M” made me laugh really really hard.
or you could always go with “bois in uniform R hot!” or “touch me! touch me!”
‘Charmed’ lasted five seasons after Shannen Doherty, and don’t piss on the Rose McGowan years. RM was awesome.
This blog is too good. You should dress approximately like you are in the pictures all the time when you go to airports, and make an online gallery. Don’t forget this.
Definitely, “God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.” I love that one!
” ‘Charmed’ lasted five seasons after Shannen Doherty, and don’t piss on the Rose McGowan years. RM was awesome. ”
Duly noted, and amended above. P.S. I have nothing against RM. It was the avatars that started to irritate me.
You are *soooooo* lucky that I didn’t have coffee in my mouth when I read the proposed t-shirt slogans. ‘Cause otherwise I’d have coffee all over my laptop, and it’s a very expensive laptop. :^)
There’s something to be said for “Pick Me! Pick Me!” I think “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M” is more likely to get you picked though. And “having your hands on my thighs” is most along the lines of what I was thinking all on my own…
(Did you hear the story about the guy who was forced to remove a t-shirt with arabic script on it? (It said “We Will Not Be Silent” — http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/5297822.stm))
I think you exude a pheromone in the TSA line that puts them on edge — kind of like a dog the knows you’re scared of it and then comes after you.
“Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-9/11 world.”
Now that I’ve stopped laughing enough to type, I vote for this one. There’s nothing more reassuring than opening my belt and folding down the front of my pants in the middle of Chicago’s O’Hare airport so some burly TSA agent can look down the front of my jeans at my boxer briefs.
“Metal Detectors Make Me Hard”
Short, sweet, to the point.
Women will be laughing too much to check you.
Straight Men will be too discomforted to check you.
I like “Metal Detectors Make Me Hard”, but only if you put a picture of “Nigel Tufnel” (Harry Shearer) from “Spinal Tap” pulling a giant foil wrapped zuccini out of his pants (from the best scene of that movie where he’s repeatedly put through the airport detector).
hahahaha whateverrrr he probably knew who you were and he just wanted to get his hands on you
Ohh my fucking god that is probably the funniest shit I’ve read all month
So they just randomly examine you for no reason? wtf?? that really sucks… you’d think that they’d actually have some sort of concrete pre-requisite to follow that actually has to do with TERRORISTS?!? all that security stuff is crap anyway, because a real terrorist is not going to repeat what’s already been done and is in turn, expected by security guards.
However, I like the H&M one the best… and then the other ones just to embarrass any potential obnoxious guards.
AHH!! Every time I read your blog I am reminded of why you are one of my all-time favorite PR contestants!!! (not that I have forgotten or anything…)
Admit it. Having your hands on my thighs makes both of us feel safer in a post-911 world.
I feel for you, darling, I really do, but you have certainly managed to be hilarious about it.
“God, I was hoping you’d wave your big beeping stick between my legs.”
You will be my idol if you wear a shirt that says this. Honestly. And everyone else in line will laugh too!
If you use “Pick me!” it should have hearts on it.
LOL okay that is a good one. Hope you put it in your scrapbook with the rest of your amusements. It reminds me of all the breastmilk confiscating and old lady manhandling going on in the name of security. Of your cute T-shirt phrase ideas, they all made me smile. I kind of prefer the “Beep Stick” one. (By the way, Andrae I almost mentioned your resemblence to Freddie Mercury the other day but thought it was all in my head, likely due to the fact that Kass is going through a Queen and David Bowie phase. *hugs*)
I saw the same thing happening to Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover at LAX. then every female TSA agent ran over and started saying “Ty I need REAL help with MY house”… pretty funny.
Pick Me Pick Me is cute. All of them are though. Good Luck next time you fly!
~Norelle
hm. I vote on the H&M. So a little more people can wear the perfectly non-obscene shirt.
Andrae, wear aviator sun glasses. That way, doormen and all will think you are some sort of spy and leave you alone.
First, I apologize for being so late to the party — but it’s because Andre had new hair and I couldn’t figure out where I had seen him last when I was watching him style Irene on “How Do I Look” until I came to the blog.
“PICK ME, PICK ME!” jumped out at me. Passive aggression with the TSA - nice touch.
(I’m a New Yorker suffering frequent breakdowns at JFK and LGA, so I can say that.)
I would say “Terrorists don’t shop at H&M” is going to encourage terrorists to do just that. As in all things, consider first what you really want.
From my own sparky mind, on days when you’re feeling evil?
“Karma has sharp little teeth.”
(Season with the post-cedent interjection “beyotch!” as needed.)
Happy New Year.
you know your just the type a guy they like to feel up. If wasn’t for your bod you wouldn’t get pulled over so much. sorry my reaction is 2 months late.
Hey Andrae,
Definitely metal detectors make me hard.
Excuse, and what you think concerning forthcoming elections?
cool blog!